Two years have came and went since I miscarried.
Over TWO years.
I always dread the month of October because that's WHEN it happened.
And I always dread April because that is when the baby WAS due.
During these two months it never seems to fail that my flood gates can burst open at any given time. Not only for the baby that I still wish I would have had but also for the infertility issues that have made enjoying this part of life so hard. Knowing that I'm broken and can't be fixed makes these months that much harder to accept.
However, as tears flow down my face at a rapid pace, I am reminded that Nathan is SO much MORE than a miracle child. Thank you GOD for giving him to us. Without him, I could not be this complete... and life IS good with him. We make a good 3 person - 3 dog family. Maybe that's why it has to be this way. ???
So, on an "I AM THANKFUL" note, I truly love NATHAN with all my heart, soul, and ENTIRE being.
When he doesn't listen, and I get crabby, I'm so thankful that I can even get crabby at my very own child.
When he stalls every single night before going to bed... I secretly smile to myself because withOUT him, my life would be NOTHING and SO VERY boring.
And when he hollers for me 319 times while he's in the shower (and I grumble each time I go up the steps to see what he needs this time - and please note, they are NEVER things that need to be taken care of while he's in the shower. For instance, can I have a couple more pieces of candy to suck on? Or, did you tell dad about such and such today? Can you hand me a tissue (when they are approximately an arm's length outside of the bathtub)? Can you get me a washcloth? Can you get me a towel? Is my hair spiky? I got this particular scratch today and it still hurts. ETC.!)... I love to see his little body. Even though he's 7 and 71 lbs... he still has babyness to him. And it reminds me that he IS still little. He's only a first grader after all. I think shower time is HIS time to reflect on the day. And, I'm glad he wants ME to be a part of it. In fact, I'm honored... even if I do grumble!
When we argue about what kind of tennis shoes are cute. It takes us forever to agree on a pair. That's when I have to smile and be thankful that I have someone little to shop for.
When he remembers to ask ME about something that went on in MY day.
When he still asks dad every single night, if mom can put him to bed.
We he gets SUPER excited when I come home from being somewhere little like the grocery store.
When he races every where in the house to find me after he's been gone all day.
Watching him eat 3 billion snacks after school.
Hearing him comment on the awesome smell after it rains.
Or him reminding me that my favorite moon is out - the sliver - or God's fingernail as he sometimes calls it.
The excitement in his voice when he sees an eagle flying overhead - only to be corrected that it's a turkey buzzard. (Darn it.)
How he loves to make anyone (mostly his parents) laugh by getting super wild and doing super silly moves.
How he'll get up and dance with me to the music of a really good movie. And then we look at dad thinking he's the NUT-O because he's NOT shakin' a leg.
When he tries to do "the move" that Evan Almighty does.
We he crawls into bed with us more often than not. And when he completely takes over the king sized bed. And then when the sun rises, he rolls over and asks (every single time) where dad is. Um... yeah, he's in your bed because your a bed hog. And then he smiles that "you see I should just sleep in here every night and dad should sleep in my bed every night" smile.
When he thinks he "matches" his clothing. Boys.
When he uses words wrong... like for instance: This is the lifetime (instead of life) or Turn up the rodeo (instead of radio).
I LOVE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM!
Thank you God for the baby that you have given me on earth. And thank you for the one that will anxiously wait for me in Heaven. Together THEY make me appreciative of what I have -- even when the flood gates open and the pity party begins.
7 comments:
Oh, Jenn. Only someone who's been through that can know the feeling. I'm an unlucky member of that club. The way you describe it is amazing. Everytime I read your blog and it's something about Nathan, I always always think to myself, I hope Jorden is that cool when he's his age. He's only two now, and I hope he'll love his Momma as much as Nathan loves his! I'm sure he'd do anything to make his Momma smile!
Since I'm new to your blog, I didn't know your story. My husband and I struggled with infertility issues. (I won't go into all of it here. A little of it is on my blog.) I've never suffered a miscarriage, though. I'm so sorry for your loss.
My baby is seven, too. I love that age and I squeeze him just a little too tightly most days. Praying the Lord's comfort for you this month.
My tidbit.
Fortunately I am a member of the other club but have family surrounding me that also struggles with those issues.
I can't imagine the struggles faced BUT I love seeing it turned positive and that you cherish all those wonderful and wonderfully crazy and hectic moments. Whether you have 1 child or 5(eekkkk) they really do add spice to your life and will always take up 90% of any bed they share with you!
Darn it, now you made me cry. As the mother of a growing-up-way-too-fast 7 year old myself, I want to thank you for reminding me to take notice of all the things that make him so special! I will pray for you as you think about your other child too.
I am so sorry you are hurting. You are such a great mom to Nathan and you just never know the plans God has for you. But you sound very content and you are so lucky that you know how blessed you are!
What is it with these big 7 year olds? My son is about 70lbs too, he weighs as much as my 11 year old!!!
I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine your pain. We have been dealing with infertility for 2 years so I can somewhat feel your pain, though I've never actually been able to get pregnant so I can only imagine how devastating your loss would be. It's neat to see you focus on the miracle of your son and all the neat little details you love and appreciate about him. Praying for God's grace & strength for you. :)
P.S. I obviously don't know you, but enjoy following your blog. :)
Hey there girl! You know you are tugging at my heart strings again. Why didn't you share any of this at lunch with me the other day? I am so sorry this is the month, I have the October day written down, but failed to remember this, I apologize and wish I could squeeze you right now. Darn snow! Sending you hugs on this blizzarding day. Love you!
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