Lately I've been doing a LOT of soul searching. And I mean a LOT.
* Go back to school
* Open a business (several ideas roaming around in this tiny ol' brain)
You see my dreams of "life" were in full swing when I had Nathan and began my stay-at-home position. My dream was always that, to be a mommy. And to be given the opportunity to stay home was a blessing I NEVER EVER took for granted. I was thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY. I loved it whole heartily. I felt that my being on earth was being maximized to the MAX. I was meant to be a stay at home mom. And because I was given the blessed opportunity to stay home, I started volunteering right away -- to give back. And to make God proud that he let me stay home. I wanted to show him how honored I was for that great opportunity.
And then Scott got laid off for SEVEN months. And the new job he took didn't come with benefits or near the paycheck. So I started working... and while only working part time, I've missed NUMEROUS sporting events, field trips, school functions, got kicked out of a bible study that I loved (because of STRICT attendance requirements), and gave up some of my volunteering (which is another place I felt meant to be). All of which are taking a little chunk of my zest for life out of me. Finding myself bitter for having it all taken away when it was SO appreciated in the first place.
So now we constantly toss the idea of selling our home to get something cheaper but we're not even at a high price range now and it's really hard to go backwards. REALLY HARD. We've done SO much work on this house and haven't even gotten to enjoy it... and it's still not done.
I'm not career driven AT ALL. I like the simple life. I want taking care of my FAMILY to be my MAIN focus. I want volunteering to come in second... to make a difference in this world.
** I just want it to be noted that I'm not saying that working outside the home can't have the same effect for those of you that work... I just don't feel that I have that ability. I struggle with giving my best to both the working world and family. Some of you can do it -- and I'm in AWEEE of you! I really am. I, however, am not one of those people. ***
So here I sit day after day wondering what direction our life is meant to go in. Wondering WHY this happened to us. (Don't even get me started on the WHY's of why we can only have one child.) Wondering if I'm suppose to try and take charge of my own life a little more and DO SOMETHING WITH IT when I already thought I was doing that. And then I think of my confidence level, which is at ground zero, and always has been. Starting a business takes confidence and a career driven mind. Of which, I have neither. Going back to school means less money -- no benefits -- and dedication (of which I'm lacking as well).
Where do I go? What do I do? My sister told me that I'm in charge of my life... and she is SO right! But I suck at taking charge!
The "Me Day" didn't quite pan out yesterday because all of this stuff seemed to explode yesterday. It's been brewing for quite some time and yesterday it just consumed me... and it's starting to today too. Hopefully soon this pity party will be over and I'll have some direction... an answer... a sign.
Please God, give me a sign!
2 comments:
I thought I was going to have a great piece of insightful guidance - but here I sit with nothing insightful and practical to tell you - I have lots of ideas but they are lacking in pracicality. I think you should write a letter to the head of the company that your husband works for and inquire how exactly it is that they don't provide their employees with insurance since they are an insurance company.
Oh sweetie - wish I could give you a hug right now!! And I too wish I had some great advice for you, but all I can say is to KEEP PRAYING. I do have one other thought, but I'll tell you that in person. :) Love you, and I'm here if you need to chat. Or unload. Or just lose it. :)
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