Infertility Blues

The cyst is back. Wow. What a great way to start the new year. Not even my doctor could believe it. He's seen less than a handful of cases like mine in 15 years! That's my luck. Seriously...didn't surprise me a bit to hear that coming out of his mouth. However, I think it made it harder KNOWING that our situation is even more rare and complicated. I know my body is screwed up. I've been trying to tell them that. Sure, he tried to be upbeat and remind me that at least I'm ovulating and I wasn't before. Well...where's the baby then? I just want to try artificial insemination 3 times before we OFFICIALLY give up but we can't even reach that point because I keep getting put on the pill to get rid of these darn cysts.

I know a LOT of people in this world struggle with infertility. It's hard. It gets harder. I start to look at unplanned pregnancies in a bitter way -- not to anyone I know personally but when I'm out and about and see these teenagers with children they don't want.... yeah, like a sword to the heart.

It's an emptiness I can't explain.

It's a heartache that is simply MEAN.

I feel like a failure. Like God doesn't trust us enough to give us another child yet I think we are good parents. Of course we can always be better but we're by far not the worst. Today Nathan was talking about a zipper pull that Santa left in his stocking that says #1 Kid. He told me that I was a #1 mom and that dad was a #1 dad. At least he thinks we are somewhat good parents.

As each year passes I think to myself, maybe this is the one...maybe at this time next year we'll have two children. And then another year rolls around and still...nothing.

Don't get me wrong; I'm very thankful that we were blessed with one. I don't underestimate the miracle of that...I appreciate it even more as the years pass and we can't have a second one. But...

He needs a sibling SO bad. He needed one years ago.

I just don't understand.